The New Testament book of Ephesians, in chapter 5, speaks to husbands and wives. Someone recently told me that she understands God’s Word here to describe a “circle of love and respect.” The husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect her husband. But, she wondered, who first steps into this “circle of love?” The husband or the wife?
Is it one or the other? No. It is both. Both, in response to God’s invitation, are responsible at all times: he to love, she to respect; he to lead, she to assist his leadership. Both are to see each other as their neighbor and faithfully serve that neighbor in the way that glorifies God. One does not wait for the other to serve. To love or respect. To do something thoughtful or kind. This might promote negative responses: “Because he doesn’t lead like I want him to, I can’t help him,” or, “Because she doesn’t respect me like I think she should, I can’t love her.”
Does the question, “Who steps first into the circle of love and respect” hint of fairness? Who defines “fair?” Who measures “fair?” Behavior based on fairness also tends to slip negatively. She could say, “Well, he didn’t do that, so I won’t do this.” He could say, “Well, she didn’t do that, so I won’t do this.” That isn’t how it works with God’s agape love. We aren’t to be patient only if the other one is patient, kind only if the other one is kind, or selfless only if the other one is selfless. Who should take the first step? In a working relationship, there is no “first.” Each is always trying to be patient, kind, and selfless. He is responsible for his behavior. She is responsible for hers.
It helps me to remember who created the “circle of love and respect.” (I’ll return to this in my next post.)
In God’s language, a husband’s love for his wife and a wife’s respect for her husband are unconditional. Not dependent on what the other does, or does not, do. A husband’s love for his wife is actually how he serves God. Should he wait to serve God until his wife respects him? A wife’s respect for her husband is actually how she serves God. Should she wait to serve God until her husband loves her?
To be sure, on occasion, one may feel like disengaging from the “circle of love and respect.” The perfect “circle” is, after all, tainted on this earth. We too easily think of ourselves first. How we’re not being served… or how we’re doing all the serving. But, with a growing faith in God’s Word for husbands and wives, we can practice doing what we do for the glory of God. We can develop better habits. God’s love in Jesus Christ was sacrificial. Faith in the power of that love produces a sacrificial attitude for husbands and wives. It frees us up to think less about self and more about the other.
With this attitude, one might even forget who started, paused, stopped, or re-started the circle to go ’round.
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