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Archive for July, 2012

Chick-Fil-A and Sexuality

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Culture Shifts, Faith & Practice, Identity, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , on July 27, 2012| 3 Comments »

I’d like to encourage you to help break the “spiral of silence.”  In the face of conflict or potential persecution, Christians too often say nothing.  Do nothing.  We don’t want to be labeled “judgmental” or “intolerant.”  But, our silence compromises the living Word Jesus Christ.  It would appear that we fear displeasing man more than we do God.

I propose that we are silent about homosexuality and same-sex “marriage” because we Christians have been influenced by the world.  We see ourselves the way the world sees us.  We let the world define us.  Then, we fall into silence.  The world tells us that we are “sexual beings.”  “Sexual from birth.”  If that is true, then those who are intimidating and bullying Chick-fil-A right now for taking a stand on the Biblical definition of marriage have sound reason to be angry.  If we are — first and foremost — sexual beings, then any kind of sexual needs, behaviors, or relationships should be not only justified, but legal.  If our identity is “sexual,” then it should come as no surprise that Chick-fil-A — or a church body or an individual — will be labeled “intolerant,” “bigoted” and “homophobic.”  Who, after all, would dare discriminate against the very core of a human being?

But, you see, sexuality is not our core.  It is not our identity.  It is not “who we are.”  And, until we Christians identify ourselves as God does, we will be hard-pressed to deal with issues such as sex education, homosexual rights, same-sex “marriage,” and adoption of children by gay couples.

Let what I’ve written here be the preface to Eric Metxas’ article published in Breakpoint (July 27, 2012).  The article is titled “A Price to Pay.”  There is a “price to pay” for taking a stand on our identity as God’s holy possessions — vessels for honorable use — called out of darkness into light .  Please read it as re-printed below.

Then, join with Eric, the late Chuck Colson, Biblical thinkers across the country, and me in helping to break the spiral of silence.

“A Price to Pay” by Eric Metaxas

If you’re even a semi-regular BreakPoint listener, you’ve no doubt heard Chuck Colson — and me — talk about “breaking the spiral of silence.”

We’ve warned about the dangers of remaining silent on critical issues even when our opinions are unpopular or counter-cultural — probably especially when they’re unpopular and counter-cultural.  Even when it appears that the argument is “settled,” that the public has “moved on,” and we’d better “get with the program.”

And we’ve pointed out that, sometimes, breaking the spiral of silence can come with a price.

Well, as you know by now, Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy told the Baptist Press recently that his family-owned company “operates on biblical principles” and therefore “supports the traditional family.”

He spoke out, and now he and Chick-fil-A are paying the price. Certain voices in the media and government are lashing out — and seeking, basically, to intimidate and bully Chick-fil-A, and anyone who shares their views, back into silence.

For example, an Alderman in Chicago is seeking to block Chick-fil-A from opening an already planned restaurant in the city. He has declared that Chick-fil-A’s position is “bigoted” and “homophobic” and that the company discriminates against homosexuals, which is just a crazy, baseless charge.

The mayor of Chicago, Rahm Immanuel, however, is backing the Alderman, and he told CBS Chicago, “Chick-fil-A’s values are not Chicago values . . . And if you’re going to be a part of the Chicago community, you should reflect Chicago values.”

Really? So, all you Chicago churches and mosques and synagogues that do not share the mayor’s interpretation of “Chicago values” had better pack up and leave town.

The bottom line is that if you dare say you believe that marriage is between a man and a woman only, you run the real risk of being called a “homophobe,” a “bigot,” and a “hatemonger.” If you own a business and take such a stand, you may be targeted.

But my question to you now — and to myself — is: So what?

Do we or do we not have the courage of our convictions to defend marriage, to defend free speech, to defend freedom of religion? Do our freedoms, does our faith, matter to us more than the opinion of some others? Will we allow our reputations and our profits to suffer before we will allow our freedoms to erode?

Chuck warned us long ago that a free society can remain free only so long as dissent is tolerated, only so long as opinions and ideas can be debated freely in the public square.

Which is why, as Chuck would have said, the proponents of so-called gay “marriage” and sexual “freedom” are sawing off the branch they’re sitting on. By doing all they can to deny those who disagree with them access to the public square, by their intimidation tactics, and by their — sad to say, intolerance — they are helping to make this country, this society less free. And that hurts everybody.

Folks, we have no choice but to speak out. Not to lash out, but to speak out, winsomely but firmly. We must break the spiral of silence.

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The End of Life and Sexuality

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Faith & Practice, Identity, Life issues, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , on July 26, 2012| 1 Comment »

I believe we have a problem in our culture because we have been deceived.  We have believed the lie about our identity.

Labeling ourselves — first and foremost — “sexual beings,” we have, indeed, given ourselves license to live a sensual and highly sexualized life.

This impacts how we see ourselves and others.  It impacts our choices.  It is, so we’ve been led to believe, who we are.

But, why does this concern me?  Why do I almost seem obsessed with this single topic?

Because it very well may affect what happens to me as I grow older and near the end of my life.

You see, my generation of baby boomers is 76 million strong.  But, my son’s generation is only 17 million.  Now, let’s consider the state of the economy.  Health care. Legalized abortion in all U.S. states for any reason at any time before (and even after) birth.  Legalized euthanasia in some states.

If I am what I’m told I am — a “sexual being” — then what happens when I’m not thinking, looking, or acting so sexual?  What happens when that isn’t the driving force of my life?  What happens when this not-so-sexual-anymore woman doesn’t attract a man’s attention?  Develops fine lines and wrinkles?  Slows her pace?  Appears less productive, but more costly?  Requires more patience and care from others?

My identity matters.  So does yours.  I am not — first and foremost — a sexual being.

I am far more than that.  I am God’s own possession.  Of such great value that Christ gave His life for me.  I am the daughter of the King.  A treasure of great worth.  A vessel for honorable use.  A woman alive to proclaim the excellencies of Him who called me (1 Peter 2:9).

Don’t label me a “sexual being.”  I am more than that.

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Criminals, Terrorists and Unborn Children

Posted in Culture Shifts, Life issues, Parenting & Education, tagged , , on July 25, 2012| Leave a Comment »

My daughter-in-law, Alison, made an observation today that should give us all pause.

In this country, the rights of a criminal or terrorist are more valued than the rights of an unborn son or daughter.

What should we do about that?

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Heaven and Sexuality

Posted in Identity, Relationships, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , on July 24, 2012| 3 Comments »

Some inquiring religious people once asked Jesus a question.  They wanted to know to whom the woman of several husbands – all who had died – would be married in heaven.  Perhaps Jesus’ answer to those religious men also answers the question about our “sexual” identity.

Jesus said, “In the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage . . .” (Matthew 22:30).

If we identify ourselves, first and foremost, as “sexual beings,” then what becomes of us in heaven?  Are we no longer a being?  Do we lose our identity?  Are we just floating angels?  I think not.  Our true identity will remain intact.  We will be fully human, but perfect in every way.  We will still be His special possession, but unburdened by things of the world.  We will still be His treasures in Christ but, at last, able to truly reflect His magnificence.

Our sexuality – or all things pertaining to procreation and marriage – will not matter.  What will matter is living in a perfect relationship with God as His holy ones.

Excerpted from Faithfulness: One Child at a Time
A Working Document by L. Bartlett, PDF at Titus 2 for Life

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No Honky-Tonk Angels

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Commentaries of others, Identity, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , , on July 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Let me detour from my “series” on sex education and its effect on the sexualization of our culture to share an excellent post from Russell Moore.

Moore explains that the “queen of country  music,” legend Kitty Wells, departed this life last week at the age of 92.   Commentators hailed her as a feminist icon.  The Atlantic magazine eulogized her as a forerunner of Britney Spears.  “Well,” writes blogger Moore, “I suppose it depends on what you mean by ‘feminist.'”

A friend, knowing of my respect for Biblical manhood and womanhood, sent me the July 18 post of Moore to the Point.  In “The Complementarian Vision of Kitty Wells,” Moore observes that “Wells was no Betty Friedan or Gloria Steinem . .  . Kitty Wells is hardly the musical godmother of Britney Spears or the hyper-sexualized singers of the past generation.  She was just the opposite.  She . . . wanted human dignity, and a man who was worthy of the name . . .”

I encourage you to read Moore to the Point.

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Sex Ed Abusive? How Can That Be?

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Culture Shifts, Faith & Practice, Identity, Parenting & Education, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , , , , on July 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Labeling sex education “child abuse” is a strong statement.  No one wants to be accused of abusing a child.   I would not easily call someone a “child abuser.”  All of us, however, are deceived by theories and techniques of the world.  Education built on false teaching is sure to do harm.

If we blend false teaching or worldly ideas with God’s Word, we will most certainly compromise our best intentions.  We will weaken the protective boundaries of God’s commands.  It is never a good thing to tamper with things of God, especially the instructions He gives us about children.

God’s Word never tells us to educate children in sex.  It tells us to instruct children in purity.  To guard their innocence.  To do nothing that might lead a child astray.

Here are some reasons why sex education – in or out of the church – is “child abuse.”

  1. “. . . [S]ex education is child abuse because it is ill-planned and poorly thought out, thus adding to the very problem it is trying to address and eroding the structure of a healthy family.”  (Douglas Gresham, step-son of C.S. Lewis and founder of Rathvinden Ministries, a ministry to post-abortive and abused women in Dublin, Ireland, in an e-mail to ezerwoman.)
  2. Early, explicit, and boy/girl sex education classes can steal the innocence of children and create mind absorbing images, conflicts, and preoccupations.  Boy/girl classes in sex education or “human sexuality” can be a form of desensitization that eventually strips away defenses and induces acceptance of alternative values.
  3. Sex education is taught in the “cool condition” of a classroom where children can say, “Yes, I’ll be smart,” but things change in “hot conditions.”  Children may be informed in the classroom but, because their pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed, they possess neither the reasoning skills nor good judgment necessary to take command over feelings or peer pressure in the heat of the moment.  (Dr. Miriam Grossman defines “cool” and “hot” conditions in her book, You’re Teaching My Child What?)
  4. Sex education removes the natural and protective covering of modesty.  After their sin, God covered Adam and Eve’s embarrassment with far more than a bikini.  He covered their shame with the promise of Christ’s Robe of Righteousness.  Putting boys and girls together in a classroom for an intimate discussion of “human sexuality” makes children vulnerable by stripping away modesty and stirring up self-awareness and curiosity.
  5. A goal of sex education is to get young people “comfortable with their bodies” or their “sexuality,” therefore, it should come as no surprise when scantily-clad girls approach the Lord’s Table much to the discomfort of pastors offering the Sacrament (or other gentlemen present).  Too many girls are no longer embarrassed but, indeed, “comfortable” with drawing attention to themselves at the mall, on the beach, socializing, or even in church.  In what way does this help a boy or man maintain chaste thoughts?  (A helpful resource is the Bible study Dressing for Life: Secrets of the Great Cover-up available from CPH Publishing.)
  6. Sex education is a utopian lie.  Secular sex education is built on the foundation of evolution and a worldview that opposes the Biblical worldview.  Instruction in purity is built on the Word of the Creator and Redeemer.  Christian educators may want children to grow comfortable with the beauty of God’s creation; to recover the Garden experience, but we’re not in the Garden anymore.  Sin changed our hearts and the way we look at one another.  Jesus says, “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19).  Do we better equip children to fight the battle with sexual immorality by telling them they are “sexual beings” – or immortal souls?  Captive to their sensual nature – or able to “control [their] own body in holiness and honor” (1 Thessalonians 4:4)?
  7. Christian sex education, most specifically, tantalizes the child; in other words, it presents something desirable to the view, but continually keeps it out of reach.  It gives children much information about sex and “sexuality,” but then tells them to wait for marriage until after college and an established career.  Does this seem cruel?
  8. Sex education may tempt into idolatry or self-worship.  It’s “my identity.”  It’s “my need.”  It’s “my right.”
  9. Sex education may, unintentionally, get adolescents “hooked,” but then leave them “unprotected.”  (Hooked by Joe McIlhaney, M.D. & Freda McKissic Bush, M.D.; Unprotected by Miriam Grossman, M.D.)
  10. Sex education might change a child’s attitude toward God.  No matter what our sin, God is always our Father; we are always His children in Christ.  But, if a child is given all manner of sexual information before he or she can make wise use of it in its proper time, then might the child ask, “What kind of loving God would create me with all these sexual desires and then tell me not to fulfill them?”  Have we set the child up for frustration and anger toward God?  Might the child ask, “What does it matter what I do if I am assured of Jesus’ love and forgiveness?”  Might a child re-define God according to his or her perspective of what is “right” or “wrong” depending upon the situation?

What words of hope are there for the Christian who has been deceived?  Who may have trusted sex education as something helpful for children?  If we have built on wrong foundation or passed on a half-truth or lie, there is hope!  King David sinned against God and hurt other people.  But, with broken and contrite heart, David acknowledged his sins to the Lord (Psalm 32:3-5).  He received God’s free grace and forgiveness.  Leaving sinful ways behind, we become a “vessel for honorable use” (2 Timothy 2:23).

In Christ, we are “vessels for honorable use.”  Wow!  This identity does indeed raise us above that of just a “sexual being.”  Imagine the change in thought.  Word.  Behavior.

(Excerpted from Faithfulness: One Child at a Time,
a work nearing completion by Linda Bartlett.
A PDF file is available at Issues. Etc., or Titus 2 for Life.)

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Sexualization of Children: The Sex Ed Connection

Posted in Culture Shifts, Faith & Practice, Identity, Life issues, Parenting & Education, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , on July 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Americans are waking up to the fact that we have sexualized our children.  They are appalled by the sensual dress of girls starting at early ages. They are worried about boys’ early addictions to pornography and that pedophiles lurk around many a dark corner.

I’m convinced, after 30 years of careful study, that sex talk and instruction has made boys and girls less safe.  More vulnerable.  The “sex talk” and images of TV, movies, and the internet threaten the physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness of the youngest generations.

But, how many of us are willing to admit that we’re part of the problem?  That we may have unintentionally broken down the wall of innocence to leave boys and girls more vulnerable to the pull of the world and their own human flesh?

Do you think that years of sex education, even for the best of intentions, could have anything to do with the sexualization of children?  Do you think that sex talk can raise curiosity?  Tantilize?  Stir up images?  Create a comfortableness with their fickle heart and deceptive flesh?

Let’s think about what happens in the sex ed classroom.  Boys and girls are rarely taught separately.  Beginning at a young age, these boys and girls are subjected to sex talk.  This sex talk is necessary, or so some say, because we are “sexual from birth.”

But, who said we are “sexual from birth?”  Well, o.k., maybe it wasn’t God, but we are “sexual beings,” aren’t we?  Don’t our children need to hear the “right” kind of sex talk?  Sexually educated (the “right” way), won’t they be better protected from teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

What is the “right” way?  Is it the way we perceive it?  Educating the way we thought we should (including 30+ years of Christian sex education), do we have more or less teen pregnancy?  STDs?  Teen depression?  Abortion?  Cohabitation? Single parents?

Some people don’t like it when I refer to sex education as a form of child abuse.

Last year, an article of mine entitled “Child Abuse” was published.  The purpose was to help the Christian community recognize that we’ve let unbelieving neighbors in the land influence our teachings.  We have adapted worldly techniques and then attempted to wrap Jesus around them.  (He can’t and won’t.)  The article angered a Christian sex educator.  That anger, observed my husband, motivated me to bring order to some random notes and research.  If you will allow me to say so, I believe the Spirit was whispering: It is time.  Gather your years of experience and observations together into a helpful resource.

That resource is, for now, entitled Faithfulness: One Child at a Time.  It is a collection of questions and answers on sex education versus instruction in purity for Christian dialogue.  I’ve been encouraged by honest “editors.”  Perhaps it will soon become clear what should be done with it.

Last week, Todd Wilken and Jeff Schwartz invited me to discuss parts of the booklet on Issues, Etc.  You can find that interview here (see July 17).  Better than the interview is the PDF format which Issues, Etc. included for anyone who wants to explore some reasons for a dangerously sexualized culture.  Getting to the root of the problem, we are better able to provide a different kind of instruction.  A different kind of mentoring.  Speaking of mentoring, you may also find the document at Titus 2 for Life.

Over the next few days, I hope to post some excerpts from Faithfulness: One Child at a Time.  I’ll begin with the reasons why sex education – in or out of the church – might very accurately be labeled sex abuse.  Both Scripture and science concur.

Oh.  And there’s this to remember.  Perhaps we’ve been an advocate of sex education because we were deceived.  Fearing for our children, we may have put our trust in a particular theory or so-called expert.  Wrong thinking can be left in the past.  Truly sorry for ways we may have unintentionally brought harm, we are reconciled to God in Christ.  His Word gives us all we need to do battle with the world for the sake of our sons and daughters.

We engage in that battle by being distinctively different from the world.  Are you up for the challenge?

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Stonestreet Writes on “Sisters and Daughters”

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Faith & Practice, Identity, Parenting & Education, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , , on July 20, 2012| Leave a Comment »

What follows is an article by John Stonestreet published July 19 in Breakpoint.  I was going to quote John, but you need to read his article in its entirety.  Thank you, John, for sharing the experiences of Timothy Dalrymple and Martin Daubney — for the sake of our sons and daughters.

Writing at Patheos.com, Timothy Dalrymple tells perhaps a familiar story for many: “I first saw pornography by flashlight in an underground fort I had built with my brother and friends,” he said.

When he first looked at those pictures at nine years old, Dalrymple says they were “seared into his mind.” And the way he viewed women was deeply changed.

He explains, “It was not the last time I would see pornography, or naked women when I shouldn’t…Whether they’re photos in magazines, images on the internet, scenes in movies, or stolen glances, their imprint sinks deep into the male mind, it shapes its patterns of thought, and remains there for years, even decades. You cannot unsee them…”

But Dalrymple says all of that changed when he became the father of a little girl. The images remained, but he was forced to ask himself a painful question: What if these images were my child?

That’s the same question Martin Daubney, longtime editor of the British magazine “Loaded,” asked himself when he became a father in 2009. Last month in the UK Daily Mail he told the story of how he spent eight years pushing this “soft porn” magazine to raunchier extremes to compete with rival publications and the internet.

He thought of his work as “harmless fun,” and dismissed his critics as “party-poopers.”

But when his son was born three years ago, Daubney had a crisis of conscience.

“It…changed my views so forcibly that within a year I’d quit a dream job… I started seeing the women in my magazine not as sexual objects, but as somebody’s daughter. To think that girls who posed for our magazine had once had their [diapers] changed, had once been taught to take their first steps and had once been full of childlike hope…it was almost heartbreaking.”

After Martin quit his job and began devoting more time to raising his son, things became even clearer.

“I am ashamed at the way I used to defend the magazine…” he says. “When I edited Loaded, I’d often get asked ‘Would you want your daughter to appear in topless photos?’ and I’d squirm, but I’d feel obliged…to say ‘yes’.”

If asked the same question today, Daubney says he’d have a different answer: “Not on my life.”

Becoming parents drastically changes the way we think about things like pornography because we’re forced to remember that these de-humanized objects are those made in the image of God. As Chuck Colson used to say, and my colleague Eric Metaxas points out in his book on Bonhoeffer, the first step to destroying or abusing human life is always dehumanization.

And that’s why one of the great tasks of the church is to continue sounding wake-up calls whenever we can — to each other and to the culture. Lives are at stake.

And that’s exactly what was done recently by Robert George, co-author of the Manhattan Declaration, and Muslim professor Shaykh Hamza Yusuf in a letter they co-authored to hotel chain executives. In it, they petition for the removal of pornographic movies from hotels by asking the same question Dalrymple and Daubney asked.

“We beg you to consider the young woman who is depicted as a sexual object in these movies… Would you be willing to profit from her self-degradation if she were your sister…[or] your own beloved daughter?”

George and Yusuf are putting a face to pornography, and reminding us that those depicted aren’t just images but real people; and it becomes infinitely harder for us to use them for our selfish pleasure once we see that.

To read this letter, come to BreakPoint.org. And I’ll also link you to today’s “Two-Minute Warning” video. In it, I deal with how deeply pornography and other aspects of our culture’s sexual brokenness have victimized women, and men. It’s part two of our four-part series.

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Sexuality & the War on Women

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Culture Shifts, Identity, Life issues, Parenting & Education, Sexy or holy?, tagged , , , , , , on July 19, 2012| 2 Comments »

My left-leaning “sisters” claim there is a “war on women.”  They’re right about the war, but they’re confused about who is waging it and why.

John Stonestreet, writing for Breakpoint, quotes from The Screwtape Letters.  (It is, I believe, my most favored work of C.S. Lewis.) “In an especially prophetic chapter,” notes Stonestreet, “Uncle Screwtape explains to his demon nephew Hell’s strategy for using imagery to derail human sexuality: ‘We have engineered a great increase in . . . the apparent nude (not the real nude) . . . It is all a fake, of course; the figures in the popular art are falsely drawn; the real women in bathing suits or tights are actually pinched in and propped up to make them appear firmer and more slender than nature allows a full-grown woman to be.  As a result we are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist.’  If there’s a more perfect summary of how our culture views women,” writes Stonestreet, “I haven’t found it.”

Our culture’s perspective on women opposes God’s.  I sometimes trip over myself in the excitement of sharing the truth: We are creations of the holy God… real women in all sizes, shapes, and colors.

Often, I quote from the book What A Young Woman Ought to Know written by Mary Wood-Allen, M.D.  I found it in my grandmother’s collection.   Dr. Allen, a physician in the late 1800s and early 1900s, wrote, “The reason we admire the tapering waist is because we have been wrongly educated.  We have acquired wrong ideas of beauty.  We have accepted the ideals of the fashion-plate rather than those of the Creator.”  Then, she detailed the corset, a hideous contraption worn by women — pre or post pregnancy — who coveted a 17 inch waist.

The corset shaped a woman’s body so that a man would be attracted.  But, at what price?   Dr. Allen wrote that Hiram Powers, a great sculptor, once attended an elegant party where he was observed watching a beautifully dressed and fashionable woman.  A friend noticed, and said to Powers, “What an elegant figure she has!”  “Well,” said Powers, “I was wondering where she put her liver.”  As a sculptor, Powers had studied the human body.  He knew that some internal organs, stomach included, had to be displaced in order to create that tapering waist.

A corseted waist made breathing so difficult it was not unusual for a woman to faint.   Yet, it was viewed by the culture as a way to increase beauty.  False beauty.

The corset.  How barbarous!  Now, think our culture.  Bulimia.  Anorexia.  Piercings.  Tats.  Cosmetic surgeries.  Girls pinched in, propped up, and covered only by fig leaves.  All of this is addictive.  All of this is false.

Focusing on sexuality, we mis-shape the image our youngest women have of themselves.  We deceive them into becoming “fake” women.

Only later in life did I realize that my Barbie doll, if a real woman, wouldn’t be able to stand.  Top heavy and with pencil-thin waist, she would fall face down.  How embarrassing.  More than that, what a sad and dangerous mistaken identity.

For many years, I’ve listened to women tell me about the sorrows and false hope of their abortion experience.  There is an identity issue long before the choice of abortion.   These women have helped me understand what happens when we see ourselves from the world’s perspective rather than God’s.

Wrongly educated and believing the lie, men and women are stripped of true identity.

More than sexual beings, we are human beings – male or female – with the attributes of our Creator.  We are each His special possession designed for the purpose of living a life that reflects those attributes.  We are more than bodies, but heads to think and souls that never die.

There is something wrong and potentially dangerous about being defined as a “sexual being.”  Yes, we have sexual thoughts and desires.  But, what if we never marry?  Are we less of a person?  No!  And, if we do marry, but our bodies don’t function as we think they should, are we “junk?”  No!

It is most certainly true that we procreate sexually, but again, what happens if we never marry or can’t have biological children of our own?  Are we mis-fits?  No!  Jesus tells us that there is no marriage in heaven.  Oh my!  Then, do we become floating, bodiless souls?  Angels?  No!  And no!  We maintain our identity as God’s magnificent and beautiful creation.  Our identity as His priceless possessions never changes.  From the moment God thought of us right through eternity.  Can this change the way we see ourselves?  Yes.  The choices we make?  Yes. The life we live?  Oh, yes.

Never once does God tell us to stop being a male or female, but He does tell us to guard against sensuality.  To not let sexual thoughts and desires determine every behavior.  God designed male and female to fit perfectly together in marriage, but He said: Have no other gods before Me.  Might it be that obsession on sexuality is putting something else before God?

There is a “war on women.”  (Therefore, on men, too.)  Dear parents!  Which of us wants to put a daughter at risk?  To sexualize her… and tantalize boys and men?  To distort both male and female ideas of what real women are actually like?  To deceive all the way to the pharmacy… the abortion clinic… or where after that?

Resources for you to consider:
Dressing for Life: Secrets of the Great Cover-up
(a ten-lesson Bible study for girls) (Available here)
Titus 2 for Life, a mentoring ministry

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Sliding, Not Deciding

Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Faith & Practice, Identity, Parenting & Education, Relationships, tagged , , , , on July 18, 2012| 1 Comment »

My friend, Allie, has made an investment.  The cost is too great, she thinks, to disconnect from that investment.

Am I speaking about Allie’s financial affairs?  No.  I’m referring to matters of her heart and soul.  Allie is cohabiting.  She has invested the greater part of her very being to a man not her husband.  Why?

There are many reasons why Allie continues to live with her boyfriend.  She has bonded with her partner.  She told me he isn’t the Christian she’d like him to be.  He isn’t protecting her virtue like he should.  He doesn’t have the qualities she would choose in a husband nor is she convinced that he should the father of her someday children.  But, she is “one” with him.  She has bonded.  What Allie doesn’t realize is that oxytocin and her amygdala have paralyzed her good judgment.  Hormonal chemicals and the “feeling” part of her brain are playing with the strings of her heart.

The concept of marriage frightens both Allie and her boyfriend.  Allie’s parents are divorced.  Her boyfriend’s parents are also divorced.  In their circle of friends and relatives, there are few models of faithful and working marriage.  “Living together” is just “what you do” to “find out if you really get along.”  Or, “living together” first is a “good way to avoid divorce.”  So, Allie and her boyfriend are just “doing what everyone else” seems to be doing.

Allie wants to believe that her boyfriend might change.  What is changing, however, is how she sees him.  Early in our visits, Allie explained how uneasy she was with her boyfriend’s need to control her, his sudden bursts of anger, and his avoidance of discussions about faith.  Over time, Allie began offering excuses for his negative and often wrongful behavior.  What is also changing is Allie’s perspective on God.  She wants me to remind her of her identity as a daughter of God in Christ.  She knows God loves her and that she’ll always be His child.  But, because she is living in a relationship that cannot please God, she is making God fit into her world.

So, how did Allie find herself in a place she really doesn’t want to be?  She longs for home and family, but has no husband.  She knows she isn’t in a healthy relationship, but worries that there might not be another.  She and her boyfriend sometimes speak about marriage, but her comments to me reveal that Allie’s standards for her live-in partner are actually lower than they are for her some-day husband.  Why is this happening?

Allie has done what researchers call “sliding, not deciding.”  Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia, explains.  “Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation.  Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it means.”

There’s something else.  Allie and her boyfriend have different, but unspoken, agendas.  A woman may view living together as verification that a man cares about her and living together, as much as she may dislike it, is a step toward marriage.  She may even think that by giving her man what he seems to want, he will, in turn, want to marry her.  But, a man may see living together as a way of testing a relationship or even postponing the commitment of marriage.  And, if a woman is willing to fulfill his physical desires without a ring, why jump into commitment until, well, maybe until there are children to consider.  Dr. Jay writes that “this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage.”

Couples who cohabit before marriage may want to avoid divorce, but that’s not the reality.  Dr. Jay notes that “couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages – and more likely to divorce – than couples who do not.  These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.”

Sliding into an unmarried-but-want-to-be-married state wouldn’t be a problem for Allie if sliding out was easy.  But, Dr. Jay explains that Allie is “locked in.”  She’s “signed up for a credit card with 0 percent interest.  At the end of 12 months when the interest goes up to 23 percent [Allie feels] stuck because [her] balance is too high to pay off.”  For Allie, being “locked in” decreases the likelihood that she will search for, or adjust to, another option.  “The greater the setup costs,” explains Dr. Jay, “the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation, especially when faced with switching costs, or the time, money, and effort it requires to make a change.”

For some, living together seems fun.  Economical.  Safe.  Allie also perceives it as better than living at home (after all, she’s in her 20s) or with a girlfriend.  Allie once told me she was trying to “nest” in her boyfriend’s apartment, but when I asked her whose bed she was sleeping in she whispered, “His.”  Not “ours.”

As time goes by, Allie more stubbornly defends her living arrangement.  Why?

Because Allie’s investment is too high.  In her mind, perhaps too high to disconnect.  Too high to re-evaluate her standards.  Too high to wait patiently for a man who values her enough to say “I do . . . until death do us part.”  There are no children, yet; but, should Allie become pregnant, then what?  Will she settle for whatever?  Will she marry the man she says doesn’t have the qualities a child should have in a father?

Allie, like all men and women who cohabit and then, perhaps, slide rather than decide, seems stuck.  But, I know Allie.  She tears up when I remind her that she is the daughter of God because of what Jesus has done for her.  She says she is always encouraged by our visits.  She wants to believe she has a future of hope.  So, I will continue to remind her, whenever I can, that she has the ability to choose the father of her children.  She has the strength — promised from Jesus Himself – to leave bad habits behind and start fresh.

After all, Jesus’ investment in Allie is much higher than any investment she has ever – or will ever – make.  Jesus invested all He had for the sake of Allie’s soul.

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