The question is: “Who steps first into the circle of love and respect: The husband or wife?”
It helps to remember who created that “circle.”
God did. And, true to His design, there is order. God created human beings in His image, but He did not make them to be the same. They are equal, but different. God did not create woman at the same time as man, in the same way, or for the same purpose. In fact, God revealed to man that he was incomplete. “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). “Fit for him” literally means: “Like his opposite.” (Think of this! Anatomically. Hormonally. Psychologically.)
Is it significant that woman was made for man? To complete him? Be his helper? Yes. The created order shows that man was to be the steward over all and she would help, assist, encourage, comfort, and be his advocate. (The word “helper,” by the way, is not dissimilar to the word used by Jesus to describe the Holy Spirit [John 14:16,26). In her privileged role, she is free to help without any initiative on his part. She doesn’t wait for him to ask before she offers encouragement, comfort, or good counsel.
God’s created order is a reflection of Himself. He is one God, yet three persons. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are equal, but with different functions. There is headship in this orderly structure… and there is submission. The same is true with male and female. Even after sin spoiled God’s perfect design, the order of creation remained in place for our benefit. Sin broke man and woman’s relationship with each other and with God. But, in mercy, God used the submission of the Son, Jesus Christ, to save His Bride, the Church, and serve with humility. A woman might resent the created order. A man might abuse it. But, whenever it is honored, it continues to serve family and society well.
Doesn’t the created order beg the question from a leadership perspective? Shouldn’t the man be the first to step into the Ephesians circle? No, not necessarily. Even if he is stepping out front to fight wolves at the door, she is fully engaged as his ally and encourager. In God’s design, the man is responsible for bringing order out of chaos, but she helps that happen. Regardless of their different functions, both husband and wife can practice loving and respecting at all times.
There is no measuring stick. No fairness meter. In a godly home, neither husband nor wife keep track of what the other does or doesn’t do. Both have the same goal: To do all they do to God’s glory. And, when they fail, they apologize and forgive. Both take their sin baggage to the cross — and leave it there.
Visits to the Cross happen all the time even in the best of marriages. Let me approach this from a woman’s perspective. Helping is what I naturally do. But, flawed by sin, this becomes difficult. My husband might not think he needs help. Might not invite help. Might resent help. Might interpret my help to mean he needs “fixing.” So, how do I enter the “circle of love and respect” at such a time? Hopefully, I haven’t disengaged from the “circle.” Hopefully, I am faithful in offering encouragement. If I need to help, but he’s too prideful to accept it, I need to take care. Be sensitive. I may need to move slowly. Mary told Joseph that she had been visited by an angel with news of her pregnancy, but Joseph was of the mind to quietly divorce her. In their “circle of love and respect,” Mary understood that it wasn’t up to her to convince Joseph. She needed to wait on God. In His time, God helped Joseph get his arms around the situation. A woman is helping — in one way or the other — all the time. She may be helping to good… or bad. To build up… or tear down. To encourage… or discourage. To trust God’s plan… or shape her own.
Ultimately, two are better than one. One may fall, the other lifts up. One may be overwhelmed, a team of two stands firm. One alone is cold, two together stay warm. One might fall out of the “circle” momentarily, the other welcomes him/her back in. Woven with God, both are able to engage in the “circle” freely and unconditionally.
The pure circle of love and respect is tainted on this earth. We too easily think of ourselves first. How we’re not being served… or how we’re doing all the serving. But, challenged to “shine like lights” and “hold fast to the word of life,” we do what we do for Christ — even if it means being “poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of our faith” (Philippians 2:14-17). Faith produces a sacrificial attitude for husbands and wives that frees us up to think less about self and more about other.
With this attitude, one might even forget who started, paused, stopped, or re-started the circle to go ’round.
Ezerwoman's Blog 
Lack of Self-Control = Unhappy Women
Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Commentaries of others, Culture Shifts, Faith & Practice, Identity, Life issues, Relationships, Vocation, tagged arrogance, children, common sense, Dennis Prager, depression, hope, hopelessness, Jesus Christ, mentoring, narcissism, parents, promise, self-control, self-indulgence, selfishness, The Washington Times, Titus 2, Titus 2 for Life, unhappiness, women's health on June 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »
New scientific research shows that if adults cultivate the practice of self-control — starting early — in children, a great many could be saved from addictions, poverty, and crime. Isn’t that just like scientific evidence? Always lagging behind but, when pure, testifying to God’s order of creation.
This ezerwoman is a better helper — of men, children, and society — when I practice self-control. Lest I forget (or resist), God consistently reminds me to be “self-controlled.” The books of 1 and 2 Timothy refer to the virtue of “self-control” at least four times. At least five times, the book of Titus instructs older men and women to practice and mentor “self-control.” There’s good reason. Self-control glorifies God. It can result in more hopeful consequences. It can even reduce depression
Self-control is the opposite of living our lives however we please. Doing whatever makes us “happy.” Insisting that our “needs” be met. Serving self over others. Perhaps this is what happens when times are good. We give ourselves license… for whatever, whenever. We have (in my American lifetime) “lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence” (James 5:5). For sure, it is what happens when women are encouraged to let their emotions rule.
But, encouraging girls and young women to let their emotions rule has not made them happy. It is widely reported, writes Dennis Prager, that women suffer depression at twice the rate of men. If the clinical assumptions are true, Prager suggests that we consider the following:
“Wise cultures have learned that happiness is attained only when we conquer our nature. This is true for male and female. With modern feminism, however, came a belief in the superiority of the female nature. The result? Society was urged to suppress both the negative and positive aspects of the male nature with little or no suppression of the female nature. Historically, societies and parents have always known it’s a good thing to teach boys to control two aspects of their male nature — their sexual desires and their predilection for violence. Decent men were taught from youth to touch a woman sexually only with her permission and to channel physical aggression into sports or into helping fight evil by joining the police force or military. Men who didn’t learn to control these aspects of male nature not only became bad men, but unhappy men.”
He continues, “Societies and parents also knew it was important to help girls control their natures — in particular, their predilection to be ruled by their emotions. Women who allowed their emotions to rule them not only became destructive (to members of their families first and foremost), they became unhappy women. But, while modern society continued to teach boys to control themselves, it stopped teaching girls to do so. Girls’ emotions and feelings were treated as inherently valuable. In fact, to repress a girl’s emotions or feelings was labeled ‘sexist’ and showed a ‘hatred of women.’ ” (Excerpted from “Wanted by women: A few good old-fashioned men” by Dennis Prager, The Washington Times, 6-30-08)
Hmmm. I’m reminded of the woman who showed up at an abortion clinic. Why? “He kissed me and I melted. I was filled with passion and couldn’t help myself. Now, I’m pregnant and must take control of my body.”
Lack of self control + unhappy woman = desperation and hopelessness. Ugh.
There is another choice. Mature men and women can be examples of self-control and mentor younger ones to do the same. There is promise in such practice: Hope for living out our lives in anticipation of Jesus’ return (Titus 2).
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