The New Testament book of Ephesians, in chapter 5, speaks to husbands and wives. Someone recently told me that she understands God’s Word here to describe a “circle of love and respect.” The husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect her husband. But, she wondered, who first steps into this “circle of love?” The husband or the wife?
Is it one or the other? No. It is both. Both, in response to God’s invitation, are responsible at all times: he to love, she to respect; he to lead, she to assist his leadership. Both are to see each other as their neighbor and faithfully serve that neighbor in the way that glorifies God. One does not wait for the other to serve. To love or respect. To do something thoughtful or kind. This might promote negative responses: “Because he doesn’t lead like I want him to, I can’t help him,” or, “Because she doesn’t respect me like I think she should, I can’t love her.”
Does the question, “Who steps first into the circle of love and respect” hint of fairness? Who defines “fair?” Who measures “fair?” Behavior based on fairness also tends to slip negatively. She could say, “Well, he didn’t do that, so I won’t do this.” He could say, “Well, she didn’t do that, so I won’t do this.” That isn’t how it works with God’s agape love. We aren’t to be patient only if the other one is patient, kind only if the other one is kind, or selfless only if the other one is selfless. Who should take the first step? In a working relationship, there is no “first.” Each is always trying to be patient, kind, and selfless. He is responsible for his behavior. She is responsible for hers.
It helps me to remember who created the “circle of love and respect.” (I’ll return to this in my next post.)
In God’s language, a husband’s love for his wife and a wife’s respect for her husband are unconditional. Not dependent on what the other does, or does not, do. A husband’s love for his wife is actually how he serves God. Should he wait to serve God until his wife respects him? A wife’s respect for her husband is actually how she serves God. Should she wait to serve God until her husband loves her?
To be sure, on occasion, one may feel like disengaging from the “circle of love and respect.” The perfect “circle” is, after all, tainted on this earth. We too easily think of ourselves first. How we’re not being served… or how we’re doing all the serving. But, with a growing faith in God’s Word for husbands and wives, we can practice doing what we do for the glory of God. We can develop better habits. God’s love in Jesus Christ was sacrificial. Faith in the power of that love produces a sacrificial attitude for husbands and wives. It frees us up to think less about self and more about the other.
With this attitude, one might even forget who started, paused, stopped, or re-started the circle to go ’round.
Ezerwoman's Blog 
Lack of Self-Control = Unhappy Women
Posted in Biblical manhood & womanhood, Commentaries of others, Culture Shifts, Faith & Practice, Identity, Life issues, Relationships, Vocation, tagged arrogance, children, common sense, Dennis Prager, depression, hope, hopelessness, Jesus Christ, mentoring, narcissism, parents, promise, self-control, self-indulgence, selfishness, The Washington Times, Titus 2, Titus 2 for Life, unhappiness, women's health on June 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »
New scientific research shows that if adults cultivate the practice of self-control — starting early — in children, a great many could be saved from addictions, poverty, and crime. Isn’t that just like scientific evidence? Always lagging behind but, when pure, testifying to God’s order of creation.
This ezerwoman is a better helper — of men, children, and society — when I practice self-control. Lest I forget (or resist), God consistently reminds me to be “self-controlled.” The books of 1 and 2 Timothy refer to the virtue of “self-control” at least four times. At least five times, the book of Titus instructs older men and women to practice and mentor “self-control.” There’s good reason. Self-control glorifies God. It can result in more hopeful consequences. It can even reduce depression
Self-control is the opposite of living our lives however we please. Doing whatever makes us “happy.” Insisting that our “needs” be met. Serving self over others. Perhaps this is what happens when times are good. We give ourselves license… for whatever, whenever. We have (in my American lifetime) “lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence” (James 5:5). For sure, it is what happens when women are encouraged to let their emotions rule.
But, encouraging girls and young women to let their emotions rule has not made them happy. It is widely reported, writes Dennis Prager, that women suffer depression at twice the rate of men. If the clinical assumptions are true, Prager suggests that we consider the following:
“Wise cultures have learned that happiness is attained only when we conquer our nature. This is true for male and female. With modern feminism, however, came a belief in the superiority of the female nature. The result? Society was urged to suppress both the negative and positive aspects of the male nature with little or no suppression of the female nature. Historically, societies and parents have always known it’s a good thing to teach boys to control two aspects of their male nature — their sexual desires and their predilection for violence. Decent men were taught from youth to touch a woman sexually only with her permission and to channel physical aggression into sports or into helping fight evil by joining the police force or military. Men who didn’t learn to control these aspects of male nature not only became bad men, but unhappy men.”
He continues, “Societies and parents also knew it was important to help girls control their natures — in particular, their predilection to be ruled by their emotions. Women who allowed their emotions to rule them not only became destructive (to members of their families first and foremost), they became unhappy women. But, while modern society continued to teach boys to control themselves, it stopped teaching girls to do so. Girls’ emotions and feelings were treated as inherently valuable. In fact, to repress a girl’s emotions or feelings was labeled ‘sexist’ and showed a ‘hatred of women.’ ” (Excerpted from “Wanted by women: A few good old-fashioned men” by Dennis Prager, The Washington Times, 6-30-08)
Hmmm. I’m reminded of the woman who showed up at an abortion clinic. Why? “He kissed me and I melted. I was filled with passion and couldn’t help myself. Now, I’m pregnant and must take control of my body.”
Lack of self control + unhappy woman = desperation and hopelessness. Ugh.
There is another choice. Mature men and women can be examples of self-control and mentor younger ones to do the same. There is promise in such practice: Hope for living out our lives in anticipation of Jesus’ return (Titus 2).
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